Remember how Mr. Show predicted so many terrible, wonderful things? Things like baby massages, America blowing up the moon, and the coming age war (you’ll see). Well, it seems as though MadTV is approaching the throne for Most Prophetic Sketch Comedy Show. We can only hope that Bob and David will beat back Orlando Whatshisface and Miss Swan with the scepter of No, Our Show Was Actually Funny To People Over Twelve Years Old. The point is, sketches from MadTV are coming true all around us! Stock up on canned beans and storage containers for canned beans, because this might be a sign of the impending apocalypse. But then, what isn’t these days?
1. MadTV had a parodic response to the unveiling of the iPad BEFORE IT WAS EVEN INVENTED.
I tried to find a version where the sound doesn’t cut out, but no dice.
Here a couple of things that don’t merit their own posts, but that I feel deserve to spring forth into the blogosphere anyway.
1. For the past few months, Ross has been singing an alleged Chris Brown song with the lyrics, “I don’t want a beatdown/Everybody hates Chris.” Recently, we found out that he has never heard the song, and nobody in the room had heard it either. A Google search to prove to us that it exists was very embarrassing for him. Is this a song? Where did he come up with the melody for it? Who told him those lyrics? Are they… a genius?
2. What the fuck is up with movie theater advertising for the military? I think there’s a terrific scholarly paper to be written about how these commercials reproduce heroic Hollywood imagery. Lately I keep seeing a commercial for the National Guard with super intense operatic music over what looks like the storming of Normandy, and it lasts for four hours. I’d much rather take the ad where the Marine defeats the fire monster. REAL LIFE SKILLS!
The second time I saw 8 ½ was in a required screening for a survey course in cinema history after 1945. The lights dimmed and the film began, the beautiful and disturbing opening scene rolled silently. A student in front of me yelled out, “No sound!” A bunch of other students replied, “It’s a silent scene.” The first student retorted, “No. There’s a drum.” The room literally burst into applause at this display of dedication to the purity of Fellini’s film. I laughed and asked my friend, “Is this really happening?” I loved the film, but at the time I thought this level of adulation for a movie was ridiculous and unhealthy. After all, Fellini was human like the rest of us. Yet, after seeing Nine, Rob Marshall’s musical interpretation of the classic film, I find myself appreciating the value of preserving a masterpiece as rich in humanity as 8 ½.
Italian-Americans should be more offended by the release of Nine than by MTV’s The Jersey Shore. The use of the term “guido” in the latter is forgivable because of the agency of the Italian-Americans claiming it and the ignorance of their youth. The misuse of the character Guido in the other is unforgivable. Forgive me for being hyperbolic, but Nine could be considered the rape of a masterpiece of Italian cinema. Forgive me again for the transparency of my liberal arts education, but turning a thoroughly Italian accomplishment like 8 ½ into an American musical with only one Italian actor in a significant role (Sophia Loren, who in my opinion is miscast) is a colonialist act. Daniel Day Lewis’s Italian accent is cartoonish, and Penelope Cruz shouldn’t have even tried. It’s a bloated and embarrassing shiny object that’s American in all the worst ways.
What is conveyed in the original with subtlety and symbolism takes short cuts in Nine to ensure that American audiences “get it.” The famous opening sequence in 8 ½ where Guido nearly suffocates in his car, striking for its dreamlike tableau, is reduced to Guido’s repeated, “I can’t breathe” in Nine. Kate Hudson’s number, about how the readers of Vogue love the style of Italian cinema, really sums up the film. It’s how Americans imagine living in an Italian film. All costumes and backlit hair and a character defined by his suit and his cigarette. The music swells so we know that something important is happening. In this way, the film is at least aptly named–Marshall took the basic elements of 8 ½ and rounded them up to an even number to make things easier.
Another thoroughly Americanizing quality that bothered me was the melodrama revolving around Guido cheating on his wife. It is in no way the central drama of the original, and yet Nine creates emotional scenes with women who deliver summarizing ultimatums and then walk out of the room. This emphasis on the morality of monogamy really bothered me. It was so American and formulaic to think that this story is at all about a man, his wife, and his mistress. The original depicts the difficulties of strict monogamy in a human and artful way that was indicative of the time period–the dawn of the sexual revolution.
Nine is well-shot, and many scenes are indeed visually striking. In particular, one scene in which Guido tears down a movie screen is quite beautiful in the theater. However, whatever ground the film gains in cinematography it completely annihilates in its script. As a remake, it fails to acknowledge the irony of being a film about writer’s block and a lack of original ideas. What was artful and loaded with reflexivity, subtext, and imagination is now paraded out in glittery lingerie and pumped with melodrama. Marion Cotillard and Judi Dench are such good actresses that they can’t help but give wonderful performances despite a lousy script. Penelope Cruz does a passable striptease as Guido’s mistress. Nicole Kidman blends in a little La Dolce Vita when a car chase from the paparazzi ends with her and Guido chatting by a Trevi fountain look-alike. Thankfully she doesn’t actually dive into the fountain, just flits around it. Sophia Loren, as Guido’s mother, is supposed to provide enough Italy for the entire film. Yet with her worked-on face and overflowing cleavage, she’s just as sexed up as Guido’s myriad infidelities. Nine is all whore and no Madonna.
However, Fergie is by far the worst casting choice. In the original film, Saraghina is the grotesque, a large, curvaceous woman who playfully taunts the little Catholic boys on the beach in a scene that is sexually charged without being overtly sexual. Fergie is about half of her size, and though many may not love her face, she’s hardly grotesque. Close-up shots of her tits and an enormous chorus of writhing dancers in red lingerie is a jackhammer to Fellini’s quiet drum. However, even though it’s all wrong, Fergie’s number manages to be the most entertaining of the film, if only for her strong vocals, its scale, and the fact that the music is otherwise yawningly dull.
I try to be open-minded towards remakes. I’d like to think that it’s possible to make an American musical version of 8 ½ with all of the artistry and depth of the original. It’s possible, but the odds are overwhelmingly against it, and exactly who is the audience demanding this anyway? Maybe some things just shouldn’t be touched. Although, one has to admire Rob Marshall’s balls, and his potential Golden Globes. With such a text to live up to, it’s a wonder he’s found any fans at all.
Like too many people these days, I have been looking for a job. This is an actual email I received recently. Whether or not I ever actually sent my resume to this person is unclear to me. I also cannot imagine what position I would have applied for that would lead to this response. Friends of mine have speculated that the writer of this email is either involved in child trafficking or money laundering. Enjoy.
Detailed Job Description – PERSONAL ASSISTANT
I got your resume and it has been reviewed, I did appreciate i. So I will give this a GO”
I’m looking for someone that can be trusted and reliable to work very well and with good understanding.
This position is home-based and flexible, working with me is basically about instructions and following them,my only fear is that I may come at you impromptu sometimes, so I need someone who can be able to meet up with my irregular timings.As my Personal Assistant,your activities amongst other things will include;
*Running personal errands, supervisions and monitoring. Scheduling programmes, flights and keeping me up to date with them.Acting as an alternative telephone correspondence while I’m away.Making regular contacts and drop-offs on my behalf. Handling and monitoring some of my financial activities..
Basic wage is $500 Weekly
I’m sure you’ll understand I tend to have a very busy schedule at this point,as I am presently in Australia, I will be back in Three Weeks.
I think you’re the right person for this position,Please note that this position is not office based for now because of my frequent travels and tight schedules, it’s a part-time work from home and the flexibility means that there will be busier weeks than others, so it’s a little difficult judging the exact number of hours you’ll be doing per week.If you can manage your time properly,this job may even give you some extras while you do something else on the side. As I have said, I’d want us to get a head START with things as soon as possible.I do have lots of works piled up presently and a number of unattended chores which you can immediately assist me with, I hope we can meet up with the workload eventually. Permit me to use the coming week to test your efficiency and diligence towards all this, also to work out your time schedule and fit it to mine. I really need to find the perfect person for this job, I’m confident you can take up the challenge and on the long run we should have a relatively sound working relationship between us.. I’m online most of the time as I am hard of hearing so I prefer we contact each other through E-mails,but if there is need for me to call, I will be glad to do that.I am glad you are willing to work with me and i promise to be a good boss. I am also glad on the commitment in working.I have been checking my files and what i would want you to do for me this week is to run some errands out to some of the orphanage home, I do that every month.A payment inform of a Cashier Check/Money Order will be sent over to you from one of my clients and i have some lists to email you once you received the funds,You will make some arrangements by buying some stuff for the kids in the Orphanage at any nearest store around you so you can mail them out. I will get you more information on that,I will like you to get back to me with your Contact Details such as:
First Name :
Last Name :
Street Address :
City, State, Zip Code :
Cell Phone Number:
Home Phone Number:
Sex :
Current Occupation :
Email Address : Bank Name:
ALL YOUR INFORMATION SHOULD BE SENT TO THIS EMAIL ADDRESS.
Once I have received your contact information, I will get back to you with the task for this week,Understand you will also be paid as well as its important for me to make the necessary steps before i get back from my business trip back to the states. Hope I am clear with that.
Once upon a time, there was a happy little chow chow puppy named Mr. Pickles. He lived on Long Island in a happy little puppy house in the backyard of a nice family. They were all white.
One day Mr. Pickles poked his happy little chow chow head out of his home and danced gleefully around the yard. “What a beautiful day!” he exclaimed. “I’m so happy to live in such a perfect house with such a nice white family.”
Suddenly, Billy Joel’s convertible came roaring out of nowhere and ran over Mr. Pickles’ house! “Oh my goodness, I am so sorry Mr. Pickles,” said Billy Joel. “I didn’t see you there. I am so drunk, I can’t believe I’m talking to a dog.”
“You’re a mean, mean, man, Billy Joel,” cried Mr. Pickles.
“I’m sorry Mr. Pickles,” said Billy Joel. “Here, have a million dollars to fix your house.”
Billy Joel was so drunk that he thought it was a good idea to give a dog a million dollars! Mr. Pickles carried the oversized novelty check in his little chow chow mouth all the way to the bank.
“We can’t cash a check from a dog,” said the people at the bank. So they deposited it into savings, and it accumulated interest. Mr. Pickles used the interest to buy a beautiful yacht, and sailed all over Long Island.
One day, Mr. Pickles stopped at the crab shack to eat some lunch, and he saw the most beautiful lady chow chow he’d ever seen. “Looks like you’ve got some nice crabs there,” he said to her, and they fell instantly in love. Her name was Miss Esmerelda, and they moved into Mr. Pickles mansion together and went sailing every Sunday. Except when it rained. Then they went to the movies instead.
